This Particular Aspie

I am an Aspie.

You might define this as high functioning autism.

I don’t have a disorder.

I am not defective.

I don’t want to be what you call “normal” and I call neurotypical (NT).

I couldn’t change into an NT anyway, anymore than a leopard can change it’s spots.

I am simply wired differently.

I need you to understand some things about how I experience life.

Do not think that because I’ve known I’m an Aspie for a whopping 8 years that I’m able to behave in the way an NT does, or that I can now understand NTs. It doesn’t work like that.

I have worn masks my whole life, pretending to be something I’m not, and failing absolutely and at a great cost.

Now I know I’m just different. I’m not hiding anymore.

Do not criticize me for not being “normal.” From my point of view, you are the one who is not normal!

When I feel “pushed,” frustrated by your lack of understanding or respect for my viewpoint, or too stressed in a situation, and I stop talking or turn away, you need to understand that I am going into a self-protective withdrawal.

Antagonizing me into continuing the discussion is extremely painful for me, and may lead to a meltdown and/or a shutdown.

It may take me days to recover.

Sometimes, when that happens, everything goes silent and very, very still in my mind. I may have difficulty even understanding speech.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve gone feral, as I watch you from my hidden place, with fierce defiance, shying away from any contact.

Sometimes I feel like my Feral Self is my truest Self, and I should just let myself relax into my feralness, my wildness, and that utterly still and quiet mind. But I don’t know if I’d want to come back.

Sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I don’t think I can stand being an Aspie surrounded by neurotypicals any longer.