A rollercoaster

That’s what it is – a rollercoaster. Even slow, deliberate, willing narcotic withdrawal is a rollercoaster.

Sleep for days, then insomnia every night all night. Awake until dawn.

Hungry at 5 am, this morning I made food. You don’t know how profound a statement that is. It was only a sandwich. But I can’t remember the last time I did more than make a cup of tea, then grab a carton of yogurt, or a cold bagel. I was actually hungry and I made food. You don’t understand but it was a small miracle.

Sleep the daylight away, then as the afternoon ends I wake up, and the jitters start. I am jumpy, tense, shaking, crawling out of my skin.

And this is a slow deliberate and willing withdrawal.

I pity the addicts. The ones for whom its not slow or deliberate, much less willing. I pray for them. And I understand so much more about this drug riddled world of ours.

And because I know you want to know…no, I don’t crave it. At all.

Because while I’m physically dependent, I am not addicted.